Daniel Tosh – True Stories I Made Up
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Daniel Tosh – True Stories I Made Up
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.
Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
"The first thing you see is the light.
Then, you focus on a man in a mask with a knife
as he cuts you away from everything you thought you knew about life.
And now you’re in your mother’s arms, wrinkled and wet.
You’re gonna spend the rest of your life trying to hard to forget
that you met the world naked and screaming, and that’s how you’ll leave it"
“If you’re weary, I don’t mind sharing the load,
just keep me some company on the road.
All I’ve got is a bottle that I ought to leave alone,
but it’s the only thing that I can call my own.
So I’m saying goodbye, and no, I won’t forget to write.
It’s just been too long racing towards a yellow light,
and I know that I say this every night,
but I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired of life”
“Because I’ve been waiting all year for the temperature to drop,
but now I’ve got a fever and I don’t know how to make it stop."
Fear and Loathing in Mahwah, NJ
"Now the way we hold each other so tight
would look more like a noose if held up to the light
because we betray each other in dreams every night."
“But underneath it all, there is an apathetic heart of gold"“Because the more we think, the less it all makes sense,
tonight we will drink to our general indifference.”
Upon Viewing Brueghel’s Landscape with the Fall of Icarus
"I was born into self-actualization,
I knew exactly who I was,
but I never got my chance to be young."
"Throw my guitar down on the floor.
No one cares what I’ve got to say anymore.
I didn’t come here to be damned with faint praise.
I’ll write my masterpiece some other day.
Fuck everything, fuck me.
I’m repeating myself again.
Innovation, I leave to smarter men.
Pretty melodies don’t fall out of the air for me;
I’ve got to steal them from somewhere."
I'm kind of a nerd and a fan of lists, but even if you don't like random lists, you should really check out Joel Stein Ranking the TIME 100. See why he thinks some people on the list were important and others were not. Some highlights:
7. Zac Efron: I interviewed you over coffee and though you didn't say anything that changed my life, I do go to that coffee place now when I'm in the Valley. Aroma has a killer chocolate chip bread pudding!
11. Jay Leno: I was at your show in the dressing room with Ron Paul when another guest, Tom Cruise, came in to thank Paul for some piece of legislation about psychology or something. Cruise left and Paul asked who that guy was. Awesome.
15. Paul Kagame: Ending Rwandan genocide, even for a little while, means I get to stop listening to celebrities talk about Rwandan genocide, even if just for a little while.
17. Nicolas Sarkozy: When Jacques Chirac was President of France, I don't remember seeing one photo of his wife. Now I get my fill of hot French lady photos every week. Merci beaucoup!
27. Sarah Palin: Holy crap that was funny.
29. Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger: You made me pay attention to the part about "in case of a water landing." I always ignore that part, figuring we had no chance.
34. Ted Turner: He created CNN Headline News, which paid me to talk during the inauguration. Guess who watches CNN Headline News instead of CNN during the inauguration? Because I can't
35. The View Ladies: You give wings to the misogyny buried inside of me.
49. Carlos Slim: When the world's third richest person is Mexican, you feel bad about yourself as a Jew.
52. Bernie Madoff: Not good for us Jews
55. Tom Dart: As sheriff in some part of Illinois, he's shutting down prostitution on Craigslist. I've never used Craigslist, but as I get older, I like to know it's there. Just in case.
79. Dan & Sam Houser: I don't play Grand Theft Auto — not because I'm morally opposed, but because it's too confusing for me. It's actually easier to kill a hooker in real life.
84. Norah al-Faiz: Saudi Arabian feminist? You sound as influential as the vegan who works at KFC.
85. Suraya Pakzad: A feminist in Afghanistan? See number 84
92. Doug Melton: You've been on this list twice, and still no one has heard of you. Perhaps this influential list isn't very influential.
90. Manny Pacquiao: Pound for pound the best boxer in the world? That would be awesome if it were 1954. But in 2009, that's right below pound for pound the best Guitar Hero player in the world.
93. Alexander Medvedev: You run Russia. Sure you do.
94. Angela Merkel: Not only don't I live in Germany, but my entire race left there 60 years ago. Do whatever you like, lady, no big deal to me.
98. Robin Chase: Really? Zipcars? You can get on this list for creating something everyone talks about but no one uses? Is the person who invented the dental dam on this list too?
99. Shai Agassi: You work on green transportation. I live in Los Angeles.